Archive for the ‘Special considerations’ Category
Hello, Dear Readers:
Here’s hoping all of you are recovered from not only Thanksgiving but the god-awful day known as “Black Friday.” I had to work, and at least it was cold.
Yesterday I worked in the garden for the winter growing season, and it looks a lot better. Yes, I still have that huge pineapple plant (top left), and I’m gonna pass it along to SOMEBODY who has room for it
Looks pretty good! Cross your fingers. . . .
I’ve planted three pots of garlic, two of a lettuce mix, and parsley, which was nearly gone and has come back to life with some water and a bigger pot. Let’s hope the mint plant resurrects too, as it normally does. I forgot to take closeups, but there are three little green tomatoes on my scraggly tomato plants (top right.) There is a freeze planned this weekend, so they may not happen unless I bring them in.
Now onto what you’ve been waiting for. Yes, I still have two posts sitting in draft, but I thought you’d enjoy reading about how a food blogger does Thanksgiving for a friend–and messes it up royally.
BTW, the duck dinner was scotched, but that’s another story I don’t want to discuss here.
Last year I decided that I would go straight to one of my favorite Thanksgiving things, Leftover Turkey Chowder, or “The Soup of Enlightenment.” I invited the ex-boyfriend who is now “very good friend” for Turkey Day and promised him a dinner he’d never forget.
Trust me, he hasn’t yet. But it is partially his own fault.
When he told me that he was likely going to have hot dogs from the gas station, I couldn’t see that happening, and I insisted on making him something delish. This dinner guest is the son of Big Joel, who passed away in September, and has been busy taking care of his late father’s affairs and recently cleared out his father’s house. He is well aware that I’m a very good cook (usually) and accepted my invitation.
I had to do something nice for him, you know? Unfortunately, that’s not exactly what happened.
As it has happened before, I ended up buying a full sized turkey of 8 pounds the night before. Darnit. Well, it was one of those HEB Naturals, you know, the kind fed a vegetarian diet and no hormones or antibiotics. It was the smallest one I could find, and even a turkey breast “roast” was more expensive.
I got it all thawed, and on the hook for dealing with it. While looking up the Cranberry Ginger Relish recipe, I saw on Martha Stewart’s website about a trick called “spatchcocking.” I’ve heard the term for many years but never bothered to learn what it was. I clicked and decided that’s what I would do.
I will also tell you that I made six batches of that cranberry ginger relish, two of them with SomerSweet for me and my dinner companion, and handed off four batches for the duck roaster folks. They were given two containers full of Cranberry Ginger Relish, and I have not heard a word from them since. We’ll not discuss that here.
I also baked a loaf of Rosemary Bread (with rosemary from the HeatCageKitchen Garden) from The Joy of Gluten-Free, Sugar-Free Baking. Turned some of that into little squares and made something of a stuffing with it for the Enlightenment dumplings. I like it, but. . .let’s get back on track.
The 8-pound spatchcocked turkey took about 90 minutes to cook, simply by cutting out the backbone and letting it lie flat in the roasting pan over a bed of onions using the method I used last year for The Tuscan Turkey, with some of Suzanne Somers’ now-discontinued Tuscan Sea Salt Rub and a stick of butter. Although the pop-up timer worked well, I stuck and instant-read thermometer into the thigh to make sure. When it went past 200F, I knew we were good. This is what it looked like when it came out of the oven:
Looks a bit strange, being flat, but it cooks a lot faster
Then I got to work on some other things when I heard a knock on the door.
Before he arrived, I tidied up a little too, including mopping floors and making the bathroom look extra nice. Mostly everything was done–I made Yeast Free Brownies for dessert, too. However, when it came to the soup. . .
See, I’ve known this guy for more than 10 years, and one thing he does have is manners. And he brought a nice bottle of Red Guitar Sangria, an import from Spain that was darn good. From the first glass until I finally stopped, with about one fifth of the bottle left. Seriously.
Close friends know I don’t drink much, or often. At least this time, I didn’t have a hangover.
I tossed in four tablespoons of gluten-free flour, the yellowish kind from Bob’s Red Mill. The same stuff I use for Babycakes’ Waffles. Yeah, and I did a Rachel Ray–I “eyeballed” four tablespoons, using my fingers. So by the time it was done, and I was quite. . .juiced, I didn’t realize it tasted, well, not the way I intended. I should have put more half-and-half in it, or less of the flour. Oh, boy. . . .
He didn’t care for it, but I did give him half of the roast turkey, which he later told me was “delectable.” When I had the second bowl of the gluten free stuff, I realized it was a) kinda coagulated and b) tasted not quite right. He did mention that he did not like the soup, but was very polite about it. I gave him four slices of the rosemary bread to make sandwiches with, as well as some of the brownies to take home.
I emailed him later and told him that he was right, that the soup wasn’t good at all. He wrote back and said although I made some great food for him previously, including dinner about a month ago. . .this was the worst food he’d ever had! He didn’t like that rosemary bread, either, calling it “inedible.”
Darnit.
He also offered me a cookbook from the 1950’s; um, probably not, but I do have lots of other good books to cook from. He’s a bit afraid I went overboard with the “bizarre ingredients,” but I guess it was too much gluten free. He also said he told a friend that he should have brought over a loaf of whole wheat bread and a jar of Duke Mayo! They had a laugh at my expense, and I promised not to do that to him again.
Amazingly, he did remember a cake I made for him ten years ago. My Aussie friends had sent me a copy of Donna Hay magazine, a well-known chef Down Under who does simple and delicious food. Her cookbooks are widely available here in the US (with American measurements), and one of these days I’m going to get around to getting them, darnit! The magazine is also available here in the US in bookstores, although out of sync with the calendar in order to keep in sync with the seasons. (It’s currently summer Down Under.) Big and glossy, you’ll see some interesting ideas, like the one he mentioned–a pistachio raspberry cake I made for him one time, and I will have to make him again to make up for the bungled Soup of Enlightenment.
Maybe if I can pull it off, I’ll make it correctly this time, with <gulp> real flour, just for him. Cake too. See, he hasn’t gotten the wind of why gluten-free is a good thing. Not my mission to “convert” him, but I do my best with it.
Remember, a holiday is not a good day for experimenting on your friends! Even the good ones.
Happy Dining!
Good evening:
Regular readers of this humble blog may remember the chocolate-laden, gluten free post I re-blogged last week from fellow foodie writer Sophie James, who writes a very elegant blog called Stories from the Stove. Of course, that’s where the similarity ends, because mine is. . .less elegantly written. But that’s OK, I get my point across, and that’s a nice gluten-free cake she’s got there.
I’m going to tell you about another chocolate cake in a minute, and the story that’s attached. In a minute. Because, it was my BIRTHDAY.
This week marks a number of starts. First, I have switched phone companies and now have an iPhone 4s. I really didn’t want a Smartphone, because I see how dumb it makes people. But I was missing too much important email; people and companies assume everyone has one, so it became a necessity. I’ve loaded it up with lots of cool apps, including one from east coast grocery chain Publix, which includes a nice grocery list function. It’s free and really handy, although it can be a little fussy. And you don’t have to go to Publix to use it! My local HEB used to have a similar thing on their website, but not anymore—and the only apps HEB has are all for HEB Mexico.) There are a number of free grocery list apps available for the iPhone, but I’ve been using the Publix grocery list for a couple of years on the PC, so I decided to stick with that one.
Once in a while, I actually make a real, live phone call with my iPhone. Go figure!
I also take comfort in the fact that people who are considered geniuses have very messy desks. That’s why you’re not seeing pictures of mine. Ever.
Also this week for my music fans, Def Leppard’s CD/DVD set of their Viva Hysteria concerts in Las Vegas earlier this year was released this week. If you buy it from Amazon, they also have something called “AutoRip” where you can download the audio for free, right away, and import it directly into iTunes before your hard copy arrives. Mostly I want to see the concert video, since I couldn’t get to Vegas to see these five handsome UK males (and they didn’t come to Houston this year) so that will be next week. I also have their previous live CD Mirrorball, and kept up with their shows on Facebook, so I kind of know what to expect. If you’re a fan—and yes, I am—you can read more on DefLeppard.com.
Yeah, I know, it’s not foodie related. But it’s new. And it’s Def Leppard. RAOW.
The current diet phase is over, and I’ve lost ten pounds. Woo hoo! Should have been more, I tell myself, but if you don’t sleep 8 hours or so a night, and you sneak some chocolate now and again, you won’t lose as much weight. I know this because I’ve seen it myself on the daily diet charts. On the mornings where I slept less than 6 or 7 hours, I either stall or gain a bit. When I sleep enough and more or less follow the program, I drop it. Mostly I sleep in on the weekends, because there is too much to do when I get home at night. My evening task lists always start with, “feed cat. Feed big cat.” You can guess which one is the big cat.
I also ordered a case of 12 cans of Somersweet two weeks ago to stock up for a while. There was a free gift with purchase, travel sizes of some of her exclusive toxin-free hair care products. The day the box arrived, I got an email from SS’s website telling me that “Somersweet is 25% off!” Had I waited a week, I would have saved about $22.50. AAAAHHH!!! But that’s kind of the way my luck goes sometimes; I didn’t know that was coming. Darnit.
Last week was the annual Bootcamp for American Writers & Artists, Inc. (AWAI), where I’ve been for the last three years, twice on my birthday. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it this year, but will try again next year. It’s like missing the family reunion to me, but I wasn’t able to go for a handful of reasons. Keep your fingers crossed for next year. Last year they not only baked my cake, I also had 325 copywriters sing me Happy Birthday.
This year, I’m on my own. But that’s OK too.
It was also at last year’s Bootcamp that my friend Akinnyi from London, a very nice man, said to me, “well, why don’t you write a food blog?” On the way home, the ideas started to gel, and I got on WordPress a few days later. In fact, when I logged on tonight to start this blog post, WordPress had a message for me: Happy Anniversary! It was one year ago, October 29th, that I started this blog.
Foodies have been rolling their eyes ever since. Including Sophie James, I bet.
This one’s for you, Akinnyi. Thanks for the idea. I ran with it.
Since I didn’t go to Bootcamp this year, I had to bake my own birthday cake. I already knew which one it would be, because I baked it many times before. It’s the Chocolate Ganache Cake from Suzanne Somers’ original 2002 Desserts book, incorporating her newly released Somersweet in to the recipes so that delicious desserts were available to make and not give you sugar crashes or toxins from aspartame. It was a while before I tried Somersweet, but eventually I was won over, and I still buy it today, in it’s updated form.
So this cake is, indeed, gluten free, because there is absolutely no flour of any kind, no sugar, and made from basic ingredients (and Somersweet). But since Suzanne Somers Desserts was published in 2002, most people hadn’t heard the term “gluten free” unless they were suffering with celiac disease or some other reaction from wheat. In this book, it’s considered “low carb,” because that’s primarily what SS’s books were about. Sugar manifests in many forms, wheat included, since most carbs turn to sugar in your bloodstream. That sugar then stimulates the insulin response, and that’s where things can go awry, particularly with continued intake of sugar.
You may not realize this is happening until your doctor starts talking about “options for managing your diabetes.” I know this because my Dad continually ate what he was told by his doctors that would “improve his heart health,” only to later find out the hard way that none of it was true. Didn’t help his heart and didn’t prevent diabetes.
Anyway, enough of the Wheat Belly lecture.
This book was published just after Somersweet first came out in 2001, and the entire book, plus another called Chocolate, are all healthier versions of various desserts (although some may have small amounts of sugar for the times you can handle it.) This particular cake calls for a small amount, since the original Somersweet was 5x sweeter than regular sugar. Today, Somersweet is cup for cup like sugar, so I did a little reconfiguring to make it come out right.
The actual cake part is made by beating 8 eggs for several minutes with some baking soda and getting so much air into them that they bake up and come out baked as a cake. I haven’t made this one in 3 years, but it’s pretty simple to make, and works every time.
Beating eggs for 8 minutes fluffs them up for a perfect cake
You bake the cake for longer than the 15 minutes in the book. I think the new Somersweet changes that part, since it used to be just 15 minutes. But that’s OK. What you get out of the oven (using a 9 inch springform pan) looks like this:
It got a bit browner than I planned
Then you cut it into three layers, not the two I used to do:
Oops. But we can fix it
This is an extremely delicate matter, because one wrong move and the whole thing falls apart. It’s heavy and dense, so you have to have a big spatula or two to move the bottom over to the cake plate.
A trick I learned from the Barefoot Contessa recently is to put a small dollop of buttercream under the bottom layer so the cake sticks to the cake plate. I did that, and later regretted it when I put squares of wax paper underneath so I could make it without a mess. Uh, right. . .
So, I grabbed my offset spatula and got busy with it:
Filling the first layer
Filling, or repairing, the top layer
Starting the ganache process. It didn’t go well
See the wax paper squares? That was intended to keep the ganache from dripping all down the shelves of my fridge. Unfortunately, it not only facilitated dripping chocolate, it made the ganache drip outside the confines of the baking pan I put the cake plate to to contain the mess. So it made a bigger mess than it was designed to contain. It figures.
That’s what’s known as irony, if you didn’t know that before.
After that last picture, I stuck the whole thing, plus the dishes of buttercream and ganache, in the fridge to chill and thicken up a bit, hence the drips on the top shelf.
This cake recipe includes a rich chocolate buttercream filling and a very nice ganache that is poured over the whole cake. Trust me when I tell you that I do not waste a drop of it. One of the benefits of being in your own kitchen is that YOU get to lick the beaters. If you have kids around, then you have to bake when they’re not around or are otherwise occupied.
Simple chocolate ganache. Yes, thank you.
Chocolate Buttercream. Is there anything more perfect?
The finished product, ready to eat
In the end, it all worked, and while it doesn’t look quite the same as the picture in the book, it’s pretty tasty looking.
I picked up some raspberries at Kroger, and decided to up the ante a bit, because, well, I love raspberries with chocolate to begin with.
Just a little something extra to make it all mine!
Four years ago I also bought that ceramic cake plate because putting it on a dinner plate wasn’t working. Of course, on this one it’s a bit, um, earthy, so the chocolate doesn’t exactly stand out. DUH. But that’s what was available at Hobby Lobby the day I went over there. It has been collecting dust, because I’ve gone to Bootcamp the last three years and didn’t bake my own cake.
Of course, the kitchen suffered and boy did I work to get that taken care of:
The remains of the cake (after filling and frosting)
Chocolate ganache everywhere!
So, here’s what my favorite gluten free, sugar free, low-carb Somersweet chocolate birthday cake looks like when you cut a slice:
Rich. Thick. Chocolate. Any questions?
And to serve it:
OK, OK, so I flopped it on its side. It’s edible.
I did share with one of my neighbors and one of my Buddhist friends I visited the next morning. I would have shared with two of my neighbors, but the other one had surgery around her mouth and can’t chew. She got some delicious Tuscan White Bean and Garlic Soup. She didn’t want all of it, so naturally, I ate the rest this week. I gotta make me some more of that soup soon–it’s so good, and takes just about 20 minutes.
Now, it was indeed my birthday, so I headed out first to Starbucks for my free birthday drink. Want to guess what that was? Well, if you read my blog earlier this year, you’ll probably figure it was a Hazelnut Macchiato, and you’d be right. And because it was a splurge, it was my free one, and it was my birthday, I got a big one, and it went on my Starbucks card. I watched someone ring up a $4.65 cup of coffee and it went to “no charge.” However, I only do that once a year, when it’s offered. And check out the artwork on my coffee cup:
Isn’t that cool?
I then went to Denny’s for a free gluten-free Grand Slam. Well, almost free:
![IMG_0028[1]](http://heatcagekitchen.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/img_00281.jpg)
OK, so there’s the seasonal fruit cup off-camera that was 49 cents, and then the blueberries for the oatmeal was another 49 cents, and one more thing, I think, for a total of $1.61. Maybe it was the milk for the oatmeal; but still, it was pretty darn good.
Now for dinner, I decided on pizza–home made, gluten free pizza. I took out the Wheat Belly Cookbook and got to work. However, I also used a canned pizza sauce without sugar in it, as well as some delish sausages bought on sale at Cost Plus World Market. (Because it was my birthday, I had a $10 off coupon, plus they allowed me to use a 10% off purchase coupon I got in the mail. Cool!) Not bad, not bad, and I had plenty left for breakfast.
Pizza! (And half the Mango Mojito with Somersweet)
Overall, it was a pretty good day, and I even got a new shirt nearly completed too. The weather was good, the sun was out, the sky was a beautiful blue, and fortunately, everything was pretty good.
Sunday brought an old friend for dinner, and he was wowed with not only the cake but a delicious salad from Giada de Laurentiis and one of Nigella’s delicious dishes from her last book. More on that later.
Of course Monday came along, and I now live for next weekend, where I am promising myself I will not drive anywhere for anything and stay home for 48 hours. I hope so.
Enjoy!
Ok, so I realize this is cheating, but in the interest of getting good gluten-free info to my readers, I want to pass along Sophie James delicious post she uploaded today. Sophie is very correct. . .chocolate and hazelnut are a delicious combination. If you eat mixed nuts with hazelnuts in it, you get a smoke flavor that stands alone when you bite into one.
Remind me to reblog that recipe for home made Nutella later.
Happy Monday!
Well, dear readers, once again, life gets the better of me, and I don’t quite get around to writing on this blog the way I’d like to. But here I am, and I’m looking for new topics regularly.
I’m back on the dieting thing, and have lost about 7 pounds so far. Ignoring sandwiches and a weird looking chocolate cake at the office this week helped. Well, it was not only chocolate cake, but had white icing and filling, as well as either mocha or milk chocolate filling in the center, too. Weird, and when it was cut open, the first words I thought of were “hot mess.” If you’ve ever seen a woman with way too much eye makeup on, you get the idea of what this cake looked like, despite its designer exterior. I didn’t even bother to take a picture. It was really easy to pass up, even for a chocolate lover like me. I wasn’t hungry enough to eat white bread either, so the whole lot sat right by my desk and I didn’t even look at it except in passing.
Seven pounds down, nine-hundred and twelve to go. Just kidding, it’s not that much. Just feels like it.
I also received part of an order today from Territorial Seed Company in Cottage Grove, Oregon. Two packets of what they call “City Lettuce,” some sage and Italian flat-leave parsley. The garlic bulbs will be shipped in a couple of weeks. Let’s see if I can get this stuff going again. The sage dried up earlier this year, and the parsley I had growing never really took off.
Neighbor K gave me 4 big white buckets that came from a restaurant, and they never returned to her office to retrieve them. One of them smells like garlic, so. . .guess what’s going in it? I’ll keep you posted.
Some time ago I wrote about one of my favorite foods, quinoa. It’s now called a “superfood,” although I’m not sure why. I’ve been buying it for 15 years. Sure it’s nutritious, but I just like it because it’s tasty. I’ve made it for a few people, including my two beloved neighbors K and R, who have been occasional taste-testers of new recipes (or the occasional excess), but mostly I make it for myself. Two of the recipes in Giada de Laurentiis’ book Weeknights With Giada include quinoa, and both are pretty tasty. (R is the elderly neighbor lady who has also been the recipient of extra cupcakes from the office.)
I made a small amount of quinoa on Saturday, and it put me to sleep for an hour. So it does have enough carbohydrate to do that. That’s why I don’t eat it too often, and not as much of it, mostly as a side dish, always with other stuff.
I’ve discovered, though, that not everyone is as enthusiastic about quinoa as I am. Granted, not everyone likes everything. Much as I think chocolate is the food of the gods, one of my grandmothers did not like chocolate, as did a project manager I used to work with at Boeing. In fact, when it was birthday cake time, you knew who brought the cake if it was either half chocolate/half vanilla, all vanilla, or something like Italian Cream Cake (which made me taste test it more than once, because it was that good.)
So, in my favorite newspaper, The Wall Street Journal, comes this article on the backlash from quinoa’s new popularity. See, it’s trendy and popular now, much like gluten free, (plus it IS gluten free) so there are folks have become somewhat anti-quinoa from the influx of new quinoa dishes. To me, this is like being anti-tea or anti-cupcake, so I think that many of these folks haven’t had quinoa prepared correctly. That’s just my guess, as well as someone who wrote a letter to the editor on the subject. (Please, someone tell me what the heck “Quinoa Gelato” is.) But I also know it’s a matter of taste, what one person likes, and the preparation at the same time.
No, gluten-free is not a fad--especially not if you have a problem with wheat.
The article also references a fun Bud Light commercial. A man, standing over his grill, is ready to start some heavy duty tailgating at a football game when he discovers that his lovely wife has packed. . .veggie burgers made from “queen-ah”. Personally, my foodie brain wants to know how the heck you make burgers with it, but I’m sure it’s stuck together with a glue like eggs or something. (Then again, I’m always trying to figure out that kind of thing.) But he puts it on the grill anyway, despite it tasting like a “dirty old tree branch,” because his team won the last time he “accidentally” ate it. (Warning: the comments on YouTube underneath aren’t all polite. Read at your own risk.)
Lesson learned here is simple. Ladies—unless you *know* your man is a devoted vegan/vegetarian and enjoys quinoa, he wants MEAT, and he hates surprises. Don’t do that. Trust me on that one. I once brought home a six-pack of designer beer for a certain ex-boyfriend after he said, “surprise me.” He never said that again, and never trusted me with his beer.
Now, the original article is a good overview, but the comments are hilarious. All 127 of them, at this writing. OK, I get it, people get started on something and overboard with it, with soy being a good example. (I still hate soy.) I see drinks, foods and other stuff with something called acai berries, and I still don’t have any idea what they are. Will they grow in the backyard? Then there’s something called goji berries, and the gallons of juice sold by direct marketing (i.e., a neighbor down the street who’s “got a great new home business that’s gonna make me rich.”) I have tried neither of these items, but I’m told goji juice tastes like something rancid. But people who follow all the “healthy trends” consume it because it’s supposed to be “healthy.” Mold is *so* good for you. . . .
So back to the quinoa article comments. If you really need a funny, click on the link above and start reading, and read the oldest first. You’ll see comments like:
My introduction to quinoa occurred while living in the Andes of southern Peru in the 1960s. My dog loved it; I did not. Ever since, I’ve thought of quinoa as Andean kibble.
YUCK! P’TOOEY!
My wife is into all this superfood lunacy. She fed me a “kale smoothie” last week that tasted like it was scooped from the bottom of a swamp. To hell with kale, and I hope she never finds out about quinoa.
This is my award-winning quinoa recipe: add it to a mash and feed it to a pig. Take the pig to a butcher and have him smoke the whole thing. Mmmm …. good eating.
@Charleen: I’m feeding my cows organic quinoa and getting the best quinoa cheese…well, I was until they went on strike for better work conditions…the union negotiators are meeting with management representatives in Aspen this week. I say, “Let Them Eat Cud.”
I hate cilantro too! Tastes like dish soap.
Quinoa is the “Hula Hoop” of food FADS.
Y’all fightin’ over quinoa? Jeezus.
And so much more quality writing that the Journal is known for.
So if you’re interested in trying it for yourself, here’s my favorite quinoa recipe from Suzanne Somers’ book Slim & Sexy Forever. This recipe is in the prior post on quinoa, but I’ll include it here, and add that I toss in a cube of chicken bullion to the water when it boils. REALLY good, honest.
Sauteed Herb Quinoa
1 cup dry quinoa
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 shallots, finely diced
1 clove garlic, minced
2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh flat-leave parsley
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Prepare the quinoa according to package directions (or see directions above.)
While the quinoa is cooking, place a saute pan over medium heat. Add the olive oil and shallots; saute for 2 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute longer. Add the cooked quinoa and the parsley and stir to combine. Season with sea salt and pepper and serve immediately.
Just because I like it doesn’t mean anyone and everyone who reads this blog is going to suddenly be completely devoted to quinoa. Sure, there are more recipes for it, now, and that’s a good thing. If you decide to try it, hey—no saying you have to eat it again, right?
However, this blog is about the funny. Quinoa optional.
So if there’s anything funny in food, it’s these comments on the WSJ’s website. Go take a look and see what some other anti-quinoa folks are saying.
WARNING: don’t drink anything while you’re reading them, or you’ll be bringing your keyboard or laptop to your local repair shop to be cleaned.
Enjoy!
Good Evening, Dear Readers:
This blog post is dedicated to my friend BigJoel, who passed away last Sunday afternoon (9/8/2013) at the age of 89. He was a friend, a cheerleader, an ally and an all around nice man. I found another soul who loved and appreciated British comedy, while most folks watch whatever is on. He read every one of my humble blog posts here and enjoyed them, and I sent him video emails nearly every day for the last few years. I told him about the content of this post a few days before he passed, but unfortunately, he won’t get to read it.
BigJoel belonged to Mensa, an organization of people who make mistakes faster than everyone else. That’s what he told me. He also had a sly sense of humor. I always told him he ought to eat healthier and take some vitamins, but I think he didn’t take me too seriously. But at 89, well, maybe you don’t take anyone too seriously. BigJoel’s input and humor will be missed by a great swath of folks, including me.
When he visited Texas I tried very hard to make a delicious and Martha Stewart-esque dinner, complete with a healthy, delicious dessert. He was a sweetie, and enjoyed all of it. At least, I hope he did. I’d hoped to get him some gluten-free baked goods recently, but connections were missed, and it didn’t happen; they wouldn’t have lasted the shipment in the warm southern May weather we had. But I did send him some Larabars a couple of times, which he enjoyed. The first time, I had to shop all over town to get the variety I wanted to send; the second time, the company introduced the variety packs, so it was much easier then, and they were fresh from the factory, too.
This one’s for you, BigJoel, and I hope to get to cook for you when I see you again.
Now. . . .
I have long told people that I’m a cat. A Human Feline. When you’ve had the same cats for long periods of time, (in my case,19 years) your DNA is altered. You knew that, right?
OK, seriously–my blood type indicates that I should avoid grains and stick with protein, so my doctor tells me. So, see? CARNIVORE=CAT. That’s me. I love tigers, too–but not parked on my living room futon.
So the news comes a few weeks ago that something akin to “beef” was grown in a lab and pan-fried at a press conference in London a few weeks ago. Yes, they added (ugh) beet juice and saffron to make it look like the real thing. Grown from a beef muscle cell using gene-splicing and other freakish GMO procedures, it’s a start on a highly experimental method of growing beef without using cows. Vegetarians like the idea of not having to raise cows in order to make beef. (Vegetarian: old Indian word meaning “Bad Hunter.”) The “climate change” crowd believes it will feed the masses without excessive methane gas (read: cow farts) in the atmosphere. No, I don’t believe them, but they have some lobbying power, so people listen to them.
Ok, let’s get real.
At a cost of $334,450.60 for a single 4 ounce patty, or $1,337,802.4 per pound, this “vegetarian beef” muck is currently more expensive than organic grass-fed beef and Japanese Waygu beef, so most people aren’t going to shell out for it. The inconvenient truth is that it really does *not* taste like beef, chicken, or anything else you’re accustomed to eating, despite what they said at the press conference. There was a lot of money invested in this ridiculous experiment, so they had to say nice things about it. Of course, they had to doctor it up to make it taste similar to real beef, and nobody would admit it to what really it tasted like. In some media outlets, the taste was praised; in others, told for what it really was.
I get that it’s scientists using science to do new things that were not possible before, stretching their expertise and really using their skills. But couldn’t they use this technology for something more useful, like say, cancer treatment or preventing birth defects?
My professional gourmet blogger’s opinion: Yuck.
Listen, y’all, most folks are going to stick with what they get now, which in my case is the occasional packet of 4 patties from Target with a red markdown sticker on it. Wal-Mart has bags of frozen burger patties for a good price. Cows run wild in India; ship them over here and we’ll eat those cows, fight “climate change” and make the streets of Mumbai safe again. (Nevermind that the seasons come around quarterly.)
And just this week, word of a plant-based egg substitute. WHAT? Do we REALLY need this new thing? OK, admittedly, I have a friend who is highly allergic to eggs, so this would be great for him, since he could use mayo made from it. Maybe folks allergic to eggs like my friend can benefit from this creation. But in my everyday life? NO.
If you’re like me, the whole idea of lab-made food—like the GMO wheat before it—brings one word to mind. Say it with me, will you?
EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!
And that’s enough of that.
So, I bring that up, mostly to amuse, but also to point out the lengths that some people will go to make a point. I think there is more to it than just scientific advancement, but I won’t say anything beyond that. What I will say is:
EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!
Just say NO to lab grown beef, OK? Lab grown chicken and eggs, too. Heck, lab grown anything. How are these artificially created frankenfoods any different than chemical-filled processed foods like evaporated milk and Velveeta cheese?
REAL food rocks. Eat real food.
Speaking of real food, I recently discovered something new and tasty. (Well, it was new to me.). I was doing my usual Sunday errands and stopped in a place that, well, let’s just say it’s not a place one would normally stop for a quick nibble, but I found one. I was REALLY hungry, and after I finished in this establishment I was going to the SuperTarget across the parking lot. An iced decaf coffee at Starbucks and maybe a couple of Larabars and I would be fine, right?
Oh, no. I FOUND something. And it was delicious enough to write about.
Whilst waiting my turn, I noticed a box next to some candy. Epic Bars, they’re called. About the size of a candy bar, but completely different. They’re designed for outdoor activities, to toss in your bag with a couple of bottles of water and hold you over until you can get some lunch. Sound familiar? There have been many incarnations of “meal replacement bars” over the years, but most are sweet, and loaded with sugar and other toxic rubbish. Have you looked at a can of Ultra Slim Fast? (Yes, they still make that stuff.)
You MUST drink plenty of water with Epic Bars. Why? Keep reading.
The difference with Epic is that they are made with meat. Yes, MEAT. No kidding. But like Larabars, they do have some nuts, although not as many. The first time I went I found beef and turkey. The second time, all they had was turkey. No complaints outta me! Both are equally delicious, although I was told by one of the owners that everyone loves the beef bar. Really, they are both equally good, but I guess the guys want beef. (And every time I go back, all they have is turkey.) They also have bison, but keep reading.
The meat is dried, and similar to Larabars, they have nuts and some dried cranberries in them—but they are not sweet like a Larabar. The beef has a bit of chipotle in it, so there is also a slight touch of heat. I don’t like burning hot food myself, but this was just fine with me. Since it’s dried beef, the water makes it swell in your stomach, giving you a full feeling during a long stretch. That’s why you gotta drink the water.
When the man told me that, I didn’t believe him. I bit into the beef, and later went to Starbucks for the iced coffee. And you know what? I really didn’t think about food for a good 3 or 4 hours. I really wasn’t hungry at all. Cool, huh?
That made me think about dieters—would they work? It’s got me thinking, and I’ll let you know if I decide to try doing that. Admittedly, I’ve bought more and keep them tucked into my lunch bag. See, if I get on the bus on an empty stomach, I get really nauseated. Houston Metro has some great buses, built a little like a Boeing 737, but the buses do not have a) lavatories and b) barf bags. So I gotta nibble something before I leave the office so I don’t test the sensibilities of my fellow commuters. Epic Bars have been fitting that bill for a couple of weeks now.
Epic comes in turkey, beef, and, um, bison. Yes, BISON. I think I’ve had bison once or twice, but not regularly. Epic Bars are made from vegetarian fed animals, are gluten free and, thank you, FREE OF SOY. They even come with a little freshness packet so they’re good longer term. If you see these, consider it:
Epic Bars–if you see one, treat yourself, but drink plenty of water!
They are about $3 each—not cheap like a candy bar, but healthier than what you can get at fast food, and fits in a pocket, purse or bag.
I also got three different explanations of what these bars are for from three different sellers when I was out and about on my recent Sunday adventure trip with my debit card.
The first place I found them is called The Arms Room, an upscale gun store and indoor shooting range in League City, Texas (a Houston suburb close to Galveston) with, ironically, a SuperTarget across the car park. Really, do you go in a place like that for a bite to eat? It was a lucky find, and that’s not listed on the Epic website, either. The second place was Snap Kitchen, where I stopped in and ended up getting some lunch. But they only had turkey and bison, so I headed to my third place, Whole Earth Provision Company, next to Trader Joe’s on South Shepherd.
The Arms Room guy said that they were for people who go out shooting and don’t want to stop for lunch or leave and go back out. Toss one in your backpack with a couple of bottles of water, and go. You’ll be good until you’re done, and you go home or go get a bite somewhere. Can’t complain about the iced coffee with one, either—it really hit the spot.
The Snap Kitchen folks I talked to were horrified that I went into a place like The Arms Room, but hey—I’m over 21, I’ll shop where I like. They don’t sell the beef bars because “their customers don’t eat red meat.” Something like that. I’m sure there are at least a few tofu-scarfing folks that will down a burger or fried chicken if they’re far enough away from anyone who will recognize them, but I left that part unsaid.
The dude in Whole Earth Provision said that they were designed for outdoor sportsmen like campers and hikers who wanted something grain free and Paleo. He, too, was horrified that I bought some in The Arms Room. (I enjoyed that part twice.)
So, three different explanations for these bars, but they really are good, healthy and convenient. I’ve got one left.
You can find a place to buy these lovely items at their website, and you can buy them online if you can’t find them locally. And because they are made in Austin, TX, you know they are the best! (My opinion, of course.) The company also makes something called Thunderbird Energetica, the fruit-based kinds of energy bars that are gluten free but sweet. I’ve sampled them in my local HEB, and they’re good and sticky, but since it’s dried fruit, they’re higher in sugar, making them a little higher in calories (and diabetics need to pay attention to that part.)
One of my writer friends tells me that there is another company that makes much the same thing, called Tanka Bars. I’ve never seen them, but if I find some I’ll try them and report back to you on it.
So, if you’re in need of something to eat on the go, you’re in luck–healthy food is available, even for us carnivores, real food, in bar form.
BigJoel would have enjoyed one, too.
Good night, Dear Readers.
